Not Coming to a Theater Near You
There are things you do hate, Lord. Perfume-smellin’ things, lacy things, things with curly hair.
There are things you do hate, Lord. Perfume-smellin’ things, lacy things, things with curly hair.
After successfully slogging through the cinematic equivalent of two full days worth of largely low-grade horror, we now turn to the reasons we settled in to screen these beauties in the first place: the covers. Timeless titles, colorful tag lines, enticing artwork… all it takes is the sight of Orson Welles in a cowl, a quick scan of the words Sex, Death, and Rock ‘n’ Roll, or a glimpse of the bright bold lettering of The Brides Wore Blood, and we’re hooked. Sure, the movies don’t always live up to those initial moments of untapped horror potential, but as any horror fan that’s ever gazed upon the unparalleled beauties of a cover for Chopping Mall knows, the cover is often enough by itself.
Turning once again to our trusty database of nearly three hundred VHS antiques, each of us poured over titles, taglines, and cover art, selecting our own top ten in each category. And just to show that we aren’t horror VHS snobs, each of us also chose ten titles, tag lines, and covers that didn’t fit our conception of what it takes to draw the fickle fright fan in—those half-baked marketing messages that just don’t inspire the urge to pop in the tape. And so, for the final day of our month-long tribute to the marvels and miscues of unheralded VHS horror, we thought it appropriate to offer up our opinions, not on the films themselves, but the containers they came in.
#1
Bloody Birthday
#2
Chopping Mall
#3
Visiting Hours
#4
April Fool’s Day
#5
Blood Sisters
#6
It’s Alive
#7
Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake
#8
Die Sister Die!
#9
Dr. Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks
#10
Road Games
#1
Curse of Bigfoot
#2
Frankenstein ’80
#3
The Bees
#4
Eyes of a Stranger
#5
13 Ghosts
#6
’Gator Bait
#7
The Worm Eaters
#8
Night of the Big Heat
#9
Escape to Witch Mountain
#10
Sudden Terror
Rumsey Taylor, Cullen Gallagher, Victoria Large, Megan Weireter, Leo Goldsmith, Thomas Scalzo, David Carter, Chiranjit Goswami, Jenny Jediny, Adam Balz, Stephen Snart, and Simon Augustine / © 2008 notcoming.com
thanks for the great Halloween back into yesteryear. the whole event took me back into the days when I would hide behind the couch in my PJs waiting for the screams from the tele would end. Ala Creature Feature!!!!!!!!!!!
It seems entirely appropriate that there are titles and tag lines that feature on both the best-of and worst-of lists.
Happy Halloween, all!
It seems entirely appropriate that there are titles and tag lines that feature on both the best-of and worst-of lists.
This is one of the most interesting results of our little exercise, because the notions of “Best” and “Worst,” however subjective in and of themselves, are either redundant or useless in regard to old horror films on VHS. For example, this tag line for Death by Dialogue:
Ken Segoes, The Kid Who Survived Nightmare on Elm St. 3, is Back!!!
Is essentially a horrible tag line because (a) it has to qualify the status of its principle actor, and (b) it spoils A Nightmare on Elm Street 3. But it’s also a great tag line for precisely the same reasons, apparently.
I note with regret and not a little anger that “The Tempter” is not included in the “best covers” section of this year’s 31 Days feature. I find the conceptual thrust and graphic execution of this VHS cover to be an exceptional example of the genre: it is that rare cover that is haunting, mysterious, atmosheric, and provocative (unfortuanately, the same cannot be said as forcefully for the movie itself). It is a small consolation that it’s tagline falls in at number 6 on that best of list. However, I would like to lodge my formal complaint and protest at this time and see that it is acknowledged and recorded. I guess at this juncture, all I can do is ask participants and readers to give the cover a second look, and preferably, print out a copy, blow it up to a 6 sheet poster size, and hang it in your living room. Thank you and adieu.
Relatedly, this collage of old VHS art is mindblowingly amazing:
marcpalm.blogspot.com/2009/07/viva-vhs.html
A few of the images appropriated are also selected in our tally above.
Feature by
Rumsey Taylor, Cullen Gallagher, Victoria Large, Megan Weireter, Leo Goldsmith, Thomas Scalzo, David Carter, Chiranjit Goswami, Jenny Jediny, Adam Balz, Stephen Snart, and Simon Augustine
Features
31 Days of Horror V
Posted on
31 October 2008
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marky
30 October 2008
11:41 PM