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31 Days of Horror V - Superlatives

31 Days of Horror V – Superlatives

After successfully slogging through the cinematic equivalent of two full days worth of largely low-grade horror, we now turn to the reasons we settled in to screen these beauties in the first place: the covers. Timeless titles, colorful tag lines, enticing artwork… all it takes is the sight of Orson Welles in a cowl, a quick scan of the words Sex, Death, and Rock ‘n’ Roll, or a glimpse of the bright bold lettering of The Brides Wore Blood, and we’re hooked. Sure, the movies don’t always live up to those initial moments of untapped horror potential, but as any horror fan that’s ever gazed upon the unparalleled beauties of a cover for Chopping Mall knows, the cover is often enough by itself.

Turning once again to our trusty database of nearly three hundred VHS antiques, each of us poured over titles, taglines, and cover art, selecting our own top ten in each category. And just to show that we aren’t horror VHS snobs, each of us also chose ten titles, tag lines, and covers that didn’t fit our conception of what it takes to draw the fickle fright fan in—those half-baked marketing messages that just don’t inspire the urge to pop in the tape. And so, for the final day of our month-long tribute to the marvels and miscues of unheralded VHS horror, we thought it appropriate to offer up our opinions, not on the films themselves, but the containers they came in.


Best Title

  • #1 I Dismember Mama
  • #2 Nude for Satan
  • #3 Sssssss
  • #4 He Kills Night After Night After Night
  • #5 Killer Workout
  • #6 The Rats are Coming! The Werewolves are Here!
  • #7 The Night God Screamed
  • #8 Gator Bait
  • #9 Shriek of the Mutilated
  • #10 The Brides Wore Blood

Worst Title

  • #1 The Courier of Death
  • #2 The Last Horror Film
  • #3 Attack of the Beast Creatures
  • #4 Ben
  • #5 Home for the Holidays
  • #6 The Rats are Coming! The Werewolves are Here!
  • #7 Deadtime Stories
  • #8 Sssssss
  • #9 Killer Workout
  • #10 The Evil

Best Cover

#1
Bloody Birthday


#2
Chopping Mall


#3
Visiting Hours


#4
April Fool’s Day


#5
Blood Sisters


#6
It’s Alive


#7
Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake


#8
Die Sister Die!


#9
Dr. Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks


#10
Road Games


Worst Cover

#1
Curse of Bigfoot


#2
Frankenstein ’80


#3
The Bees


#4
Eyes of a Stranger


#5
13 Ghosts


#6
’Gator Bait


#7
The Worm Eaters


#8
Night of the Big Heat


#9
Escape to Witch Mountain


#10
Sudden Terror


Best Tag Line

  • #1 Is He Father… Mother… Friend… Warlock… Or Insane?
    The Witching
  • #2 America’s Abominable Snowman Breeds With Anything!
    Big Foot
  • #3 The Kill Machine with the Megaton Mind
    RoboMan
  • #4 The Postman Always Rings Twice. Terror Only Knocks Once.
    Don’t Open the Door
  • #5 If this movie doesn’t make your skin crawl, it’s on too tight!
    Black Christmas
  • #6 Enemy of the Faith. Foe to the Human Race. Thief of Life. Inventor of All Obscenities. Satan, Why Do You Stand and Resist?
    The Tempter
  • #7 A Rock Band Gives Their Final Performance On a Hell Bound Trip Into the Outer Reaches of Horror!
    Night Train to Terror
  • #8 Should old acquintance be forgot? Or just brutally murdered?
    Bloody New Year
  • #9 They came. They thawed. They conquered.
    The Chilling
  • #10 Ken Segoes, the Kid Who Survived Nightmare on Elm St. 3, is Back!!!
    Death by Dialogue

Worst Tag Line

  • #1 Ken Segoes, The Kid Who Survived Nightmare on Elm St. 3, is Back!!!
    Death by Dialogue
  • #2 A tale of horror with a powerful cast!
    Night of the Big Heat
  • #3 Tonight Their Cries Will Fall on Dead Ears!
    Night Screams
  • #4 Remember, Your Mother Always Told you To Eat With Your Mouth Closed. After Watching This Movie, You May Never Eat Spaghetti, Hotdogs or Hamburgers Again.
    The Worm Eaters
  • #5 Every year young people disappear.
    Tourist Trap
  • #6 Forget Freddy. Forget Jason. Here Comes the Mister!
    The Sleeping Car
  • #7 Food for Fright!
    Frozen Terror
  • #8 When the going gets preppy, the preppy turn into zombies.
    Zombie High
  • #9 A Tale of Psychological Horror
    The Orphan
  • #10 Out there, no one hears you scream
    Hunter’s Blood

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